Santa fell through the window at the Hole in the Wall on Christmas night

Santa was dancing (wasted, uninvited, in full Santa gear) on the stage for Christmas Karaoke when he fell backward through the plate glass front window. He was still lying there (along with 3 ambulances, 2 cop cars, 2 gurneys, and a neck brace) when I left a half hour later. Here's the really funny part, his friend who sat on his lap earlier and sang "Santa Baby" hopped on stage, grabbed the mic, and was announcing that he was really hurt and was his roommate there and looking all concerned. Then the karaoke people asked if they should keep going and the manager says yes and they announced the name of the next singer and it's her. She totally takes the stage and sings her song, "I feel Good" literally feet from the dude who's still on the sidewalk, bleeding, and surrounded by paramedics. Awesome.
Note: I went next with "I love the nightlife", and i do.

Visualization

Imagine you ate an Arby's Big Montana and a fistful of cheese squares, drove for 8 hours and it's time to take that soul-shattering shit. You're sitting there just waiting, but nothing's coming. You realize the shit's way, way, way bigger than your asshole. Then someone busts in the bathroom and tells you that if you don't shit RIGHT NOW someone will die.
Intense.
So that person stands in the bathroom and tells you to push as hard as physically possible for 10 seconds.
So hard your face turns red.
So hard your head pounds.
So hard you puke.

Ten seconds are over. You take a deep breath and halfway through releasing it - PUSH!!!
So hard hemorrhoids bubble out.
So hard your teeth grind.
So hard you quake.
Ten more seconds of agony.

-a breath-

You know this time that you won't have much time to breath so you breath a little faster.
PUSH!!!
So hard your mind leaves.
So hard you feel yourself tearing open.
So hard you are no longer yourself.

Ahhhh... a break. 15-45 seconds of relief. Then do it again. Do it over and over and over for hours.

Childbirth.

Why you shouldn't talk to me about your weight-loss efforts

#1 I have no frame of reference for what your body weight numbers and am frequently confused.

When you look at me intently and say, "I used to weight 160," I have no idea whether to smile conciliatorily and look shocked that you were ever so heavy, or give you a commiserating nod indicating that I too used to weight less.

#2 Your weight makes you hate yourself and if will confuse you that mine doesn't.

You'll think I'm trying to undermine your efforts. You'll think I'm putting on a brave face. I'm not.

#3 I will tire quickly while you're just getting started.

I have a lot of interests, dieting isn't one of them. I'll be polite, but will reveal my boredom if pressed.

#4 You'll misspeak and be worried that you've offended me.

You may at some point realize that saying that you're hideous and disgusting because you're 30 pounds overweight is incredibly rude. I won't be offended, but I'll feel sorry for you as you try to backpedal.

#5 You'll try to offer advice.

Don't do this. Really. And if you bring up weight loss surgery, no matter how "casually", I'll hold a grudge for years.

Cloth Diapers

We're loving cloth diapering. We save a shitload of money and get to be sanctimoniously green. We even started using cloth wipes which totally grossed me out the first time I heard about it. I think I thought it would be like washing my toilet paper, but, of course, it's baby waste so it's not so very nasty.
Here's the kind of dipes we went with:

They're Kawaii dipes from www.theluvyourbaby.com

Today, however, he has a tummy problem; the kind that causes one to go through A LOT of diapers. Thus, I have formally cut into the diaper cake made by my friend Sarah.

Motherhood acronyms

It's an attempt to form an "in group"/"out group". It's intentionally confusing and kind of fun.

Acronyms What they mean
AF Aunt Flo — menstruation/period
AP attachment parenting
BC because, or birth control, or before children
BF breastfeed, or boyfriend
CIO cry it out
Circ. circumcise
DC daycare, dear child
DD dear daughter
DF dear fiancee
DH dear husband
DS dear son
DTD do the deed
DW dear wife
EBF extended breastfeeding, exclusively breastfeeding
EBM expressed breast milk
EDD estimated due date, or expected date of delivery
FF formula feeding
FIL father-in-law
FT full time
FTM first time mom
L&D labor and delivery
LO little one
MIL mother-in-law
ML maternity leave
PPD postpartum depression
SAHD stay-at-home dad
SAHM stay-at-home mom
SAHP stay-at-home parent
SIL sister-in-law
SO significant other
TTC trying to conceive
US or U/S ultrasound
VBAC vaginal birth after cesarean section
WAH work at home
WOH work out of the home

Julios Tortilla Chips makes a seasoning...

we bought some on our way to Fredericks burg last year. It has a lot of yummy, yummy MSG in it.
I just made Kale chips seasoned with Julios. Genius! Yummy!

I'm no good at this

I think it's time to outsource my blog to someone with a better write-ethic. I haven't written since before Frankie was born and he's over three months old!
*Trying Again*
Franco noticed rain for the first time yesterday. Notably, it was during a very rare Texas Hill Country tropical storm (Hermine to be exact). He stared out the window for about 20 minutes. Later he was playing with his rattly bee and got progressively more indignant that rattly bee wouldn't fit in his mouth. He eventually gave up, flopped back and fussed me into picking him up. He buried his head in my armpit, but peeked out at rattly bee periodically, maybe to see if it was still there...maybe glaringly.

Baby NEEDS this:

i can't decide which dairy free hollandaise recipe to use...

Yogurt Hollandaise Sauce

¾ cup Soy Yogurt
2 tsp. lemon (or lime) juice
3 egg yolks
1 tsp. Dijon mustard
¼ tsp. salt
pinch pepper
dash Tabasco sauce
In top of double boiler, whisk together yogurt, lemon juice, egg yolks, mustard, salt, pepper and hot pepper sauce. Cook over simmering water, stirring constantly for 8 to 12 minutes or until sauce is thick. Taste and adjust seasoning. (May be made ahead and reheated.)

Hollandaise Sauce - Dairy Free
3 egg yolks
2 tablespoons lemon juice
1/2 cup margarine
Directions
1Beat egg yolks and lemon juice for 2 minutes with an electric mixer.
2Melt margarine ina saucepan and slowly pour hot margarine into egg mixture, beating at high speed until fluffy.

Hollandaise Sauce - Dairy Free
4 egg yolks
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon dry mustard
1 tablespoon fresh lemon juice
8 tablespoons margarine (made without hydrogenated oil, if possible)
Melt the margarine in a saucepan. In your food processor, place the egg yolks, salt, mustard, and lemon juice. Process for 3-4 seconds. Reheat the melted margarine until it starts to boil, then, with the food processor spinning, slowly pour in the hot margarine through your feed tube. The sauce will thicken before your eyes. This recipe makes enough sauce for 8 servings.

Snacks

Today my snacks are pumpkin seeds, dark chocolate-covered cherries, and dried dates.